should probably be about the picture at the top of the page – a summation of the greatest achievement in my procrastinating history. The time: some mid point in my second year of university, when two years of academic study had honed my skills to their very peak of apathy and avoidance. The task: produce one 1,500 word story about something I have forgotten. What follows is a reconstruction based on true-life events…
09:00 Wake up, look at clock, register the unusually early hour – think “ah, so this is the 9am they speak of” – remember I am after all a respectable student, and resume my slumber for another three hours.
13:00 Having extricated myself from bed, sit on sofa and muse, for some time…. (loose definition of musing may include the following: watching multiple episodes of Scrubs or other american-lite-entertainment, drinking many cups of tea, browsing the internet, buying shoes on ebay, sleeping, n.b. this list is by no means exhaustive).
15:00 (approx.) decide it is time I really got started – make good start by arranging all possible necessary stationery, reference texts, sweets (to maintain energy levels), in pretty order.
16:00 Type the first line. Become irritated by the slightly loose wire at the back fo my keyboard. Decide to ignore it and focus on the task at hand.
16:06 Decide that wire cannot be ignored; dealing with it now will undoubtedly save valuable time later. Probably only needs small tinker with anyway. Twiddle wire about a bit, to no avail. Look for screwdriver.
16:15 Involve housemate (also avoiding writing) in screwdriver hunt…
16:30 Have assembled array of tools. Housemate and I survey damaged wire and determine that it can be easily fixed if we can remove back of keyboard. Turn keyboard over to reveal that it is held together by roughly a thousand tiny screws. We hold firm. We begin unscrewing.
17:00 Victory is ours. The keyboard’s innards are dispalyed to the world. Just a few tiny adjustments and all will be well. Congratulate ourselves on being modern technologically minded women who can handle a screwdriver….
17:20 Hold wire in hand. Look at place where wire used to be connected to keyboard. Discuss whether or not this is an improvement.
17:30 Discover keys are not in any way attached to the board but will spill all over living room carpet if keyboard is suddenly tipped over.
17:40 Collect most of keys and resolve to sort them out later after wire problem is resolved.
17:45 Attempt ambitious soldering with matches, nail varnish and paper clip.
17:50 Abandon soldering. Too ambitous. Open windows to try and get rid of burny smell.
18:00 Consider keyboard, which is now more fragments than composite unit – wire stripped and unattached to anything, keys in large pile on coffee table (and possibly few inside sofa), board itself split into two halves, screws largely lost.
18:15 Order new keyboard on ebay. Gather bits of keyboard, hide in back of wardrobe, and resolve not to speak of this to other housemates.
18:30 Watch some more ameri-comedy to soothe self.
01:00 following morning, or thereabouts – decide to really get started on essay now.
And that, in essence, is a definition of unwriting.